Celeb fetishism: how low can we go? Pretty far down, it would seem.

Being 30, I might not be totally down with the kids, but who the fuck are these people? And I’m talking about the presenters as well as the contestants.

Initially, I thought Les Dennis had had a stroke due to his funny accent and not so funny quips, until I checked my TV Times and found out it wasn’t Les but someone called Patrick Kielty.

Like I said, who the fuck are these people?

As for Fearne Cotton, I thought nobody could be more of an inane fuckwit than Jo Whiley.

Ms Whiley, I owe you an apology.

I realise Ant and Dec can’t present every show on ITV, but if there ever was an argument for human cloning it’s watching Kielty and Cotton in full effect. I assume that one is supposed to be funny and the other a looker, but which one? I’ve tried all possible combinations without getting a match. Is Fearne related to Dot Cotton? Based on her skin the answer would appear to be yes. If she ever needs a skin graft, Madonna's hands should provide a perfect match.

ITV may think they’re saving a format from ridicule by dropping the word ‘celebrity’ from the show’s title, but they shouldn’t have stopped there. Based on the contestants’ lecherous activities, ITV could have safely dropped the word 'love' as well as 'celebrity' from the title. Love may be an infectious disease, but so is chlamydia, and that’s more likely to be going round the contestants than anything Cupid would approve of.

But getting a fitting sobriquet for the show would also require the letters ‘sland’ being dropped from 'island', leaving a much more fitting title based on the egomania of the contestants: I (as in me, myself and).

The idle rich used to be classy. Now they’re just emotionally and intellectually-arrested buffoons. And we can’t have poor people being deprived of their role in society. Maybe the idle rich need the threat of higher taxes/estate death duties hanging over their heads (or a guillotine) to make them behave in a more entertaining fashion. Watching adults bicker like kids is as irritating as watching kids bicker like, er, kids. At least children can be smacked and sent to bed made to sit on the naughty step and not have any tea, which got me thinking as to how the Love Island concept could redeem itself.

Taking advantage of the fact that no one seems to know who these people are (therefore they won’t be noticed when they go missing) and they’re on an island, I would suggest livening things up by gradually fading out their food rations until they’re forced to turn on each other in a cannibalistic frenzy worthy of 1930s Soviet Russia, until there is just one contestant left to supervise the barby.

That way, if celebrity is going to eat itself, it really will be in a literal way.